Ally Does Yoga (Or at least makes a pathetic, ugly attempt)

She must be so fulfilled

She must be so fulfilled

You know what it’s like. You’re scrolling through the “fitspiration” tag on Instagram while mindlessly gnawing on a cheese stick and you see them. The perfectly filtered images of physically flawless women with long, lean limbs and flat stomachs, balanced precariously in the sand, either on their heads or on one leg, against the perfect backdrop of a red, glowing sunset, dipping down over the ocean.

I'm fulfilled, but with cake

I’m fulfilled, but with cake

And you think, “well damn, that could be me”. Then you’re visualising yourself perched on the beach with your cute little sports bra tank top and your flat stomach perfecting the scorpion pose. Then you snap back to reality, brush the cake crumbs off your chest and remember that the last time you tried to touch your toes you nearly gave yourself a hernia and couldn’t walk for a week.

But you think, “No! This time will be different! This time I will stretch every day and practice every day and I will be a completely zen, yoga babe!”. So you blow the dust off the yoga mat you bought three years ago (the last time you decided to become a yogi master and has been festering under your bed ever since the near hernia incident) and grab your sweat towel and water bottle and begin stretching.

It's baby steps, you can do it gurl

It’s baby steps, you can do it gurl

The first few are okay and you think, “Yes! I can already feel the zen!”.

The next few poses and you’re thinking, “I’ve got this! I will be just like those Instagram yoga girls!”.

The next few poses and you’re thinking, “Maybe I should start my own yoga themed Instagram account”.

As every water molecule in your body is replaced with gelatin, you try to convince yourself that you are making progress in the hour you’ve been going… then you look at the clock and realise you’ve been going for ten minutes.

Send help

Send help

And then you realise that you’ve only been doing the very simple two-legged hamstring stretches and you now have to stand on one foot, or twist sideways and you can tangibly feel all the zen leave your body.

Your positive thoughts of yesteryear are replaced with pained grunting and obscenities peppered liberally about the place.

Eventually you fall back onto your yoga mat and think, “That’s enough for today. Tomorrow I will do extra to make up for it” and you return to the refrigerator to see if there is any leftover pizza still there.

Did I finish all the ice cream last night or nah?

Did I finish all the ice cream last night or nah?